I was having a conversation recently about Brené Brown's work on belonging.
She makes a powerful distinction that I want to share:
Fitting in and belonging are not the same thing.
In fact, they're opposites.
Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to gain acceptance.
Belonging is about showing up as you are and being accepted for that.
One requires you to change. The other requires you to stay.
We spend so much time and energy trying to fit in that we never actually feel like we belong.
I see this with my clients constantly.
They come to me wanting to be more confident leaders, but they're not comfortable bringing their full selves to the table. They have an image of what leadership should look like and they're trying to match it.
It’s exhausting because you can't be someone else forever.
The mask slips and the performance starts to drain you. And worst of all, even when you succeed at fitting in, it feels hollow.
Because they didn't accept you.
They accepted the version you constructed for them.
We do this everywhere. Not just at work.
We try to be the good daughter. The good mom. The good partner. The good leader. The good whatever.
So many stories are layered on top of who we actually are, and so much energy is spent ticking other people's boxes. There’s a cruel irony that comes with way of being:
The harder you work to fit in, the more disconnected you feel.
I've lived this by spending years showing up to meetings and rehearsing what I wanted to say. I thought the right way to be accepted as a leader was to match the energy in the room and act like everyone else.
It wasn't until I stopped trying to fit the mold that I actually felt like I belonged anywhere.
Authenticity is the gateway to connection.
When you feel safe and strong enough to bring yourself to the table (not the polished, edited, acceptable version, but the real one), that's when belonging becomes possible.
Not because everyone will accept you. But the ones who do see you for who you really are. For me, that’s where true connection starts.
The work isn't to become more likeable.
It's to become more yourself.
And that requires letting go of the "shoulds."
What does success look like for you?
What does it actually look like when you strip away everyone else's definitions?
That question is harder than it sounds.
Because when you've spent your whole life ticking other people's boxes, you might not know what your own boxes even are.
And there's fear in that.
If I stop trying to be all these things to all these people, what does that say about me?
It says you're human.
It says you're ready to stop living someone else's life.
It says you're choosing belonging over fitting in.
Where are you currently fitting in instead of belonging?
I appreciate every reply to my newsletters, and I would genuinely love to hear from you.
Erica
Executive & Leadership Coach
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