There's a feeling I've struggled to name for most of my adult life.
It sits somewhere between gratitude and restlessness, between contentment and disconnect.
It's not dissatisfaction because I've always been deeply grateful for what I have, for my children, for the opportunities I've been given. And yet, alongside that gratitude, there's been this persistent sense of incongruence.
Of living someone else's life while still being genuinely thankful for my own.
I remember describing it to my brother years ago. I called it an existential crisis. The "what am I going to do with my life?" kind.
But that's not quite right either.
Because it wasn't that I didn't know what I was doing. I had a full-time job and my career was progressing.
And still, underneath all of that, there was a feeling of ‘not this’.
That phrase kept surfacing.
Not this.
Not this version of me.
Not this way of moving through the world.
I used to say I felt like I was living somebody else's life.
Which is strange when you think about it, because it was my life that I had built and chosen. There was however, a disconnect between the way I was showing up every day and who I knew myself to be.
And the discomfort in that gap was growing.
I've come to understand that the feeling of "not this" isn't ingratitude.
It's a signpost.
It's what happens when you've stepped away from your values and you're not navigating the world from a place of authenticity. When you've been ticking everyone else's boxes for so long that you've lost track of your own.
And maybe you don't even know what your boxes are anymore.
Because when you've spent years on autopilot, you stop asking yourself what you actually want.
You stop noticing the incongruence.
Until you can't not notice it anymore.
That's the moment.
That awareness and quiet but persistent feeling of not this. It means you're awake. And being awake is the first step toward something more aligned.
"Not this" is only a problem if you ignore it. If you push it down, explain it away, or convince yourself you should just be happy with what you have.
But if you listen to it?
If you let it be a signpost instead of a shame spiral? It can point you toward something truer.
It can be the beginning of asking: if not this, then what?
And that question is the start of a transformation.
You can honestly explore the gap between where you are and who you know yourself to be.
And then to start closing it.
If this is something that you would like to explore, I’d love to offer you a complimentary strategy session to explore this in more detail.
You can book a session with me here
Erica
Executive & Leadership Coach
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