I remember sitting in a boardroom as the Director of the Emergency Department and being the only woman in a room full of men.
I could feel myself rehearsing what I wanted to say for the first hour of a two-hour meeting, trying to psych myself up to participate.
In that headspace, I wasn’t hearing anything else.
When I finally went to speak, I swallowed at the wrong time, I blushed, and then I spent the rest of the meeting beating myself up for not showing up the way I wanted.
That scene played out more than once.
It’s hard when the environment around you says there is one acceptable way to lead.
In my world, if we are going to stereotype it, that version looks like the middle-aged man in a suit, outspoken, talking over people, domineering and not making space for other voices, not inviting dissent.
Conformity showed up in the bodies in the room and in the thinking.
You do not get questioned.
You do not get challenged.
You keep the conversation narrow and safe.
I carried a belief that I did not belong there, or that I had to match that version to be taken seriously. It took time to unlearn.
For me, it has been a process of learning and unlearning at the same time.
Reading books on leadership helped.
Investing in coaching showed me my blind spots.
But above everything else, one change has made the biggest difference.
Self-compassion.
I had to become comfortable in my own skin and know it was okay for me to show up as me.
It was only as I began to value myself that I started participating more, in showing the courage to be part of the conversations, I stopped being a bystander.
And over time I realized that by not bringing myself to the table, I was depriving the room of the richness of perspective.
I would go on to chair that committee. And it only happened because I learned to trust who I was and speak from that place of courage, compassion and self-worth.
So much of women’s leadership is shaped by rooms that were built for someone else. We internalize the idea that leadership has to look like the loudest man in the room.
It doesn’t.
The work is to notice where we are still self-editing and waiting to be perfect before we speak.
Then, to practice something different.
Ask the question.
Offer the view no one has named yet.
Make space for dissent and for voices that have been quiet.
That is leadership.
If you are reading this and recognizing that familiar churn in your chest, the one that shows up right before you speak, you are not alone.
You do not have to become someone else to lead well.
You have to become more yourself, with steadiness and care.
I invite you to take a moment this week and reflect:
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What version of leadership are you still trying to fit into?
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Where are you rehearsing instead of contributing?
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What might change in the room if you brought your perspective, fully and without apology?
It might just change how you show up in that next meeting, knowing that your ideas are worth hearing.
With love,
Erica
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